When Mother’s Day is hard: Grieving on Mother’s Day
When Mother’s Day is hard, it can cause a lot of emotions, from mothers who’ve lost children and children who’ve lost mothers to those struggling with infertility or finding a partner to start a family.
Commercials, social media posts and conversations with friends have a way of adding extra Mother’s Day grief by bringing up sad memories and experiences. They can be another reminder of how much they miss Mom, Grandma or a beloved child.
When the whole world seems to be celebrating, here are a few ways we can offer support and kindness when Mother’s Day is hard.
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Supporting a mom whose child (or children) has died
For someone who has lost her child, the Mother’s Day grief will never end. It’s important to remember this every day, but especially on Mother’s Day when other moms are receiving cards, phone calls, and hugs from their children.
How to empathize:
- Remember her layers of grief. Whether they were young, adults or lost before or shortly after birth, they’re deeply missed as each year passes.
- Think of milestones that this mother won’t see: school plays, graduation, that amazing job, their first grandchild, every holiday that comes and goes.
- Keep in mind parents never expect to see their children die first, making every loss of a child especially tragic.
- Think about how each child is unique; her remaining children don’t replace the child who’s gone.
- If you know a mom whose child has gone missing, be sensitive to her struggle with the uncertainty and lack of closure.
Helpful tip: Many families refer to infants who are lost during pregnancy or shortly after birth “angel babies.”
Things to do:
- Read blog posts by moms who’ve lost children. Their moving stories can guide you in how you support your friend.
- Say you’d love to hear more about their son or daughter when they’d like to talk.
- Ask their favorite things about their child. Say their child’s name out loud.
- Give them space if they desire it.
- Schedule an outing with them that’s not on Mother’s Day, so that other family celebrations don’t cause more grief.
- Prepare their child’s favorite food. Invite your friend over or just quietly drop it off at their home.
- Show compassion and understand that this kind of grief doesn’t go away.
Supporting someone who’s missing Mom on Mother’s Day
There’s no love like a mom’s, and if yours has passed, Mother’s Day can heighten the heartbreak. From the card messages you long to give but can’t to the happy family gatherings, there are so many triggers that cause people to be anxious and sad on Mother’s Day. For a friend whose mom has died, Mother’s Day is hard, and it’s important to keep that in mind.
Consider these tips:
- Think of your own mom or another person you adore and how it would feel if they were gone. What would you want a friend to say or do?
- Stay sensitive to your friend if they’re feeling lost, especially if both of their parents have passed.
- If your friend’s mother died when they were young, their grief isn’t gone with time. They’ve learned ways to cope, but they’re missing many years with their mom and still crave your kindness.
How to give support:
- Write them a note and say you’re thinking of them on Mother’s Day. Share a quality you admired in their mom or a fond memory of her.
- Leave a flower in a vase on their desk or porch, and say you’re remembering their mom today.
- Donate to an organization in their mom’s name. Whether she loved animals or her church, give to something that would’ve made her smile.
- Put a picture of their mom in a pretty frame. This can be especially meaningful if you have a snapshot your friend has never seen before.
- Offer to host a “cooking day” so the two of you can make their mom’s signature recipe. (The recipe can also be takeout, if that’s what your friend’s mom was all about.)
Supporting a friend who wants to be a mother
Maybe a friend is struggling with infertility or always wanted children but never was able to have or adopt them.
Things to think about:
- We can’t predict the future, so instead of assuring them they’ll be a mom one day, send up your hopes and prayers instead.
- If your friend enjoys your kids, plan a group get-together on Mother’s Day. If seeing children that day would add to their grief, schedule time to meet without them.
- Watching other mothers honored at church, on television and in friend circles can be difficult. Consider honoring all the caring women in your life.
Ways to care:
- Initiate some friend time that helps take her mind off things for a little while. Ask what she’d like to do.
- Suggest a tranquil spa trip or walk in the park for a change of scenery.
- Invite her to take an ongoing yoga or crafting class with you. Or simply meet for coffee once a week.
Supporting a friend who’s facing a difficult parent-child relationship
No family is perfect, b